Season ONE RHOC Awards - -

From the OC Register -

(Yes it is from season one but hysterical so had to include it)

'Real Housewives' awards: May I have the envelope, please?

The final episode of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" aired last night. Thinking it may not be called forward at the Emmys, I've created my own awards.

Worst Overall Character
Nominees
Slade Smiley

Defining moment: Tries to convince college-educated Jo De La Rosa, 24, it's in her best interests to stay home and take care of his two kids by other women.

Mitigating factor: Utterly destroyed by an even bigger jackass, fellow Coto resident Brent McElwee, who while Smiley solicits him for business takes phone calls, reads e-mail and chugs Red Bull, finally dismissing him by yelling to his secretary, "Hey ... he's gotta' go right now!"

Quote: "When someone looks at me, they probably know I've got it going on." (While practicing martial arts moves in his jockey shorts.)


Vicki Gunvalson

Defining moment: Has her ex over for their daughter's graduation, then trashes his lack of ambition on national TV, concluding, "He was a ball and chain on me."

Mitigating factor: I'm still looking.

Quote: "Lick it, suck it, slam it, Briana!" (Teaching her 18-year-old daughter how to do tequila shooters in Mexico.)

Winner

Lauri Waring

Defining moment: Introduced 16-year-old son to the country in a way that forever brands him a pothead and teen drunk. Says Lauri as she's shown walking into a nightclub, "While Joshis in Juvenile Hall, at least I know he's relatively safe."

Mitigating factor: Has to work for Vicki.

Quote: "I will never look a day older than 32."

Dumbest kid

Nominees

Shane, 19. (Jeana Keough's) Shoots backyard rabbits with pellet gun; picking on little brother caused the lad to develop a stutter. Quote: "If you hook up or do anything with a mom, you're The Man."

Michael, 19. (Vicki's) Lack of ambition makes his dad seem like Tony Robbins. Quote: "I'd quit my job in a heartbeat to go to Havasu, there's no question about it."

Winner

Ashley, 20. (Lauri's) Jobless, she moves back home, bringing a dog she can't care for and a new car she can't afford. Quote: "It was my brother calling from juvey, so I hung up. Should I have answered it?"


Fantasy Marriage Made in Hell

Ashley and Michael.


Tackiest moment

Nominees

Vicki. Takes hireling Lauri to New Orleans but puts her in cheaper hotel.

Slade. Remarking on his fiancée's smarts while the couple is having drinks with the McElwees: "Jo's from Peru, so many things escape her."

Kimberly. Calls Ford salesman "slimy" shortly after he suggests she might need to use a car seat for "... a grandchild."

Winner

Vicki. "Called it! Called it!" she says with poorly concealed glee upon hearing Slade and Jo have broken up.


Best quotes

"Divorce is good for my business. I get to buy each of them a house." Jeana.

"If she buys me this car today, it'll prove that she loves me." Kara, 16, of Jeana.

"At the age of 32, 33 is probably when I first got a taste of the seven figures. Then you kind of fall into a thing where it's just adding zeros." Slade.

"Out here, it is very common that girls receive breast implants for high school graduation." Kimberly Bryant.

"I would love to see Jo step up and become that housewife I've kind of dreamed of." Slade.

"My husband and his mother picked me out of several of his girlfriends because they thought I have the right build for their genetics." Jeana.

"If his friends think I'm a (mom they'd love to have sex with), then great!" Vicki.

"Eighty-five percent of the women around here have had breast implants." Guess who?

"What's Pledge?" Jo.