YardGnome's re-cap on fans of reality tv - awesome!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome everyone! Are you surprised to see me here tonight? Our good friend, SueEllen, was called to perform her civic duty this week and that left me to recap this week’s wedding of the century. Now if you’re wondering what civic duty SueEllen is performing, look no further than the Celebrity Apprentice thread where she is manning the helm and taking that show home. Last week, the housewives dressed like skanks, acted like hoes, and someone turned 40. It was fun, it was sad, it made me happy that I don’t have implants and that my tattoo is not located in the “tramp stamp” region. Since you can probably all barely contain yourselves, let’s get gussied up in our finest duds and prepare ourselves for the glorious event that is going to happen tonight…or you can do like me and put on some sweat pants and drink malt liquor from a brown bag and hope that the night goes quickly.
Psycho Psychosis
To kick the show off we have Quinn getting ready for a night out with the man who clearly hates her but probably is getting some so he’s not ready to dump her just yet. Quinn wants to lighten the mood tonight so she seems to be putting on an extraordinary amount of make-up and suiting up in a dress that is not low cut. She shows up at the Casino to greet Billy with a blonde wig and the new name of Roxie. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS! I seriously screamed that at my TV. Quinn is so clueless and odd that it is at the point of making me uncomfortable…combine that with the shirt she’s wearing for the interview portion and the fact that her sagging breasts are about ready to pop out of her shirt like a demon alien baby, I can barely look at the screen right now.
Come to find out that Roxie is a bit of a bitch and little on the wild side. Billy seems to enjoy this little charade proving that he is an idiot. Quinn tells us that she needs to be in a marriage so she can let this wild side out more often. I’m still scratching my head over her reasoning.
Lauri, Josh, and the doctor from Celebrity Fit Club are all gathering to make Josh feel like crap in hopes that he shapes up so he doesn’t embarrass his mother at her 1st err 2nd err 3rd wedding. Josh seems really uncomfortable in this situation and I just feel horrible for him. Who wants to be confronted about their problems in front of a television camera? Lauri tells us that Josh needs to change his ways before he can be let back into the family. This is the most horrible thing I have ever heard. When someone needs help from drug or alcohol abuse they need their family the most. He needs to be checked into a good rehab center and have support from his family in the hope that he will decide to change his ways. He is obviously seeking attention and trying to get love. This is a horrible situation and I’m not going to say anymore on it.
Tranny Prep-Work
It’s wedding day and Lauri has hired a whole slew of people to help her look more like a man than she normally does. She has brought in a whole group of make-up and hair artists to do up the whole wedding party. As they are getting ready, Lauri tries to get a hold of Josh and is having a hard time reaching him. No one knows if he is going to show and Ashley hopes that he doesn’t because she doesn’t want to watch her brother when she could be getting drunk and acting like a fool.
Lauri and George sit and go over last minute details with the wedding planner. They want to make sure that everything is in place and this is the most wonderful moments of their lives. I really hope my third wedding is as wondrous as this event. I hope my first and second are pretty good too but not as good as the third one. That’s the one that counts! Ashley is working on her speech that she is going to give and I really hope the Bravo producers added pictures to her note cards so she can read it smoothly.
Lauri mentions that she has not let her dress out of the bag and that it might be wrinkled. She mentions that she’s not a professional bride and doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do. Umm, three marriages makes you more than a novice. Lauri heads upstairs to let the dress out and George heads over to meet up with his boys and get ready for the wedding. Lauri’s sister, Linda has joined the party and is going to be the matron of honor for the event. Linda seems disgusted with the happenings or maybe she seems disturbed that her sister looks more like a brother now.
Quinn and Billy are still in Vegas, probably mourning the fact they don’t get to attend the wedding of the century. Quinn keeps blabbering on about whether she should stay with Billy or let him go. Hello, he’s just not that into you! She keeps telling him what she wants, he clearly isn’t any of them, yet she just won’t let him go. She should crash the wedding, pick up some loser at the wedding, and call it a day. I have solved her problem for her and she gets more air time so it’s wins all around.
By the Power of Grey-Skull…She-Man!
It’s time for Lauri to get dressed and I can’t wait to see if she looks at all like a female in the dress. Lauri slips into her dress, crams her giant feet into small shoes, and is ready for the big event. It’s time for the fairy-tale to happen and time for me to go to the bathroom and barf. I don’t really care for Lauri’s dress, it has a really low waist and that is just not appealing to me. All the ladies show up and the outside is beautiful for the event. Flowers and crystals are hanging all over. Josh made it to the wedding and things should get interesting.
The bridesmaids come down the aisle and I really like the green color of their dresses. Lauri comes down the aisle and that make-up artist deserves the award of the year. He has managed to make her resemble a woman and actually look nice. The event is quite extravagant and outrageous and most people would never do this for a third wedding. As they are standing at the front I start to giggle because George totally has a mullet. How is this happening, mullets are not part of fairytales. They say their vows, they kiss, and I gauge my eyes out.
Its reception time and we get a nice montage of the wedding photos. We also get lots of extra shots of Lauri and George kissing and I just want to fast forward but I will tough it out for you, the readers. The dining tent is beautiful and they did a good job making it look very elegant. It’s time for Ashley to be in the spotlight. She gets up to give her toast and first thanks her mother for asking her to be her maid of honor. I thought it was the other way around. Ashley’s toast is actually very nice and that for sure guarantees some lackey at Bravo was commissioned to write it for her. The reception goes on and it’s nothing like any fairytale I have ever seen or heard.
The Final Hoorah…Thankfully Minus the Singing
Jeana is having a cocktail party for her friends and family. Everyone shows up and it looks like she has a fresh sushi bar for the guests to enjoy. I wonder how I get invited to Jeana’s parties, I do love sushi. Cocktails are flowing and Vicki tells us her favorite cocktail is a bleu cheese stuffed olive dirty martini. I always thought it was Man Juice, I have been misled. Vicki gets to drinking and talking with Quinn and Quinn tells the gals that she broke up with Billy. WHAT? She seriously finally got a clue and ditched that loser like a bad habit?
Vicki gets another drink and talks with Lauri about her new life. Tamra finally shows up and we know that things are going to get wild now. Lauri and George show off their wedding rings and George’s seriously looks like something you get when you win the super bowl. How can he stand to wear that around all the time? I would be afraid someone would jump me and steal that thing, allowing them to pay off their mortgage, send their kids to school, and buy a barrel of man juice.
Donn finally makes an appearance reliving my worries that he was tied up in their home and being tortured by tapes of Vicki screeching “We’re going to Mexico.” Vicki tells the ladies she’s going to Paris and Jeana and Quinn both jump on that and say they will take care of Donn in her absence. Donn is probably so happy because he will actually be able to remove the ear plugs from his ears and not wear his padded vest.
Finally, the most anticipated moment of the show, Jo rolls up to the party. She looks the same and seems a little less annoying. Everyone asks her what she is doing and she tells them she’s finishing her album and getting ready to tour. Most of them seem shocked, it’s like they had no idea she was even pursuing a music career. Most of them must have missed that episode last season with her wretched singing that we had to suffer through.
As the party is winding down, Vicki is three sheets to the wind, and she and Tamra start groping each other. Exciting to 15 year old boys but disgusting to everyone else around. Tammy shows up to the party with her family and Vicki immediately gets to groping and mildly abusing them. Jo starts talking more about her career and Brianna wonders if she is opening for the opener of the opener at the show. Donn muses that maybe she’s just parking cars. I knew I always like these two.
Where Are They Now?
Lauri and George are married and Lauri has discovered one flaw in her husband…he has a serious mullet snores. Ashley hasn’t taken the Real Estate exam yet but is working with George. McKenzie is attending Community College and still has her tattoo. Does anyone even care about these two? Josh has a job as a waiter and is attending community college where I am sure he is disappointing his mother daily.
Tamra is going to take life more seriously now that she’s 40. Wait, when did she turn 40? After her surgery, she is still claiming to be the hottest housewife in the OC. Ryan is still working at Simon’s place of business but has moved out and is living with his grandmother. Still a winner in my book.
Vicki is ready to make a big impact in her insurance career and she and Donn have had a tough year. She evicted Frankie and now a nice elderly couple is living in her house. This is probably good because they are probably hard of hearing and whenever she comes over and screeches at them it’s probably like normal voices to them. Briana and Colby went to Washington and Michael is hoping to get his insurance license.
Over at Jeana’s, at lot has happened this past year to her and she’s looking forward to moving on. The real estate score between Jeana and Tamra for 2008 is: 3 to 0, Jeana. Kara is at Berkley and has a new boyfriend that is a baseball player. Colton is still being bratty and Jeana is giving him a bus pass instead of a car because of it. She rules! Shane got traded and is now playing for a County team in Illinois. I don’t know anything about baseball but it seems like he’s at the bottom of the barrel.
Quinn is still looking for a husband and being more desperate than ever. She is not with Billy and she and Jared are just friends. Roxie is still out there so men beware!
Tammy is just growing and has moved back into her home in Coto. Megan is still into tattoos and working at a termite company. Lindsey is still with the OC Energy drink girls and has decided to go into fashion design.
The Claws Come Out
Next week is reunion night with the RHOOC. Make sure to tune in and watch the bitching begin.
If you are as disturbed as I am that Ryan tried to kiss his mother on the mouth, send me a PM. We can discuss in detail the Oedipus syndrome and then gouge our eyes out.
